How Can I Recognize my Hot Buttons?
Since shouting matches take two, you need to be alert to the hot buttons that can anger you—that can make you a party to a shouting match. What situations or individuals trigger feelings of vulnerability or helplessness, or the desire to defend yourself against them and others? What individuals or situations ruin your day, add to feelings of stress, and leave you feeling angry with the world? Ask yourself, "When I am having a good day, which of my colleagues or employees can turn my outlook from upbeat to gloomy or, worse, antagonistic?" Or, "Who would I like to give a piece of my mind to and why?"
Be honest with yourself. If there are others in your life—in the office or at home—who don’t appreciate everything you do for them, and that fact always gets to you, recognize that this is one of your hot buttons. If your own manager is demanding work from you and continually makes corrections, often unnecessary ones, that is one of your hot buttons. If there are situations or individuals about which we regularly complain, they represent hot buttons.
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If there is no workable solution to a problem, you need to learn to laugh at the behavior or event rather than obsess about it. Learn to flow when your hot buttons are triggered—don’t let them make you tense or irritable.
Awareness of your hot buttons will give you extra control over your emotions. You can assertively tell the other party how he or she has made you angry, move on to discuss the problem—and, if possible, find a solution to which the other party would be amenable, and prevent a recurrence of the situation since its effect on your emotions was made clear. The person may not agree with you about the seriousness of the disagreement or even accept your recommended solution, but he or she should respect your honesty about your feelings.
Win or lose about the issue itself, expressing your feelings can have a more healthful effect on you than either smothering them or blasting them out.